you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
