I CAN MOONWALK!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
