How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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