I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
