Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
