quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
