My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
