He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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