she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
it's like heaven, but drunker
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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