I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
