I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
