nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
