I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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