I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We have so much sex to catch up on
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
