Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
