The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
