Can Purell be used as lube?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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