He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
