I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
