you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
