a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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