you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
