took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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