Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
