Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
