Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
3pm strippers are depressing
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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