who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Randomize
