Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
