call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
