My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
