Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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