Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
