I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
