I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
