you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We left the knife in your bed.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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