sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
