Do you still have your period?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
