I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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