I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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