I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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