Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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