There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
