apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
