Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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