i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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