Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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