Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
