i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
