I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
COCAINE IS GR8
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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