This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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