true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
