You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize