his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
