I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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