How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
