She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
