haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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