We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think i got beer on your cat.
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